I scribbled down the speaker’s words in my notebook as she spoke them from the stage, “The Christian community, historically, is not great at nuance.” She went on to say that we are complex people, full of multi-layered versions of our selves encompassing different roles, different loves, different ministries, different passions. Often, we’re discouraged from bringing our full selves to the table.
“Can we be a nuanced person who is faithful?” she asked the audience.
A few days later, a friend mentioned a new opportunity that had unexpectedly come her way. Her true passion is writing, but she was asked to speak on a topic in which she’s immersed herself over the last decade. The offer to speak tapped into her former self, the professor who stood in front of a classroom every week and captured the imagination of her students. It intrigued her as a teacher, but she questioned whether or not she should pursue an opportunity that she couldn’t easily file under “Writing”.
When my friend considered the offer to speak, something rose up from deep inside her. A memory of goodness, an old longing, a beloved gift. It took the clear eyes of someone else to see her latent gifts, and call them out of her once again. She is both a writer and a teacher. She is her past and her present, and she brings both to her future self.
Her dilemma brought to mind this concept of nuance and the divided self. As I listened to her talk about the pros and cons of the offer, I thought about how often I sit inside a box I’ve built for myself, not necessarily inside a box built for me. On any given day, I place myself in a box labeled Mother, Writer, Wife, Runner, Teacher, Traveler, Artist. I fall in love with this self today, but that self tomorrow. In the mirror, I see one thing, rather than the myriad selves inside of me.
Like my friend, I’ve experienced those rare occasions when others have seen all of me and not turned away. They have seen a vision for my integrated self, and called her out in all of her contradictions, complexities, and nuance.
Is it possible the walls of my self-constructed boxes are invisible to everyone but me?
We aren’t meant to be only “One Thing”. One Thing makes for a divided life rather than an integrated one. It rejects nuance. It ignores the Kingdom principle of both/and–the Kingdom of God is here in the now AND the not yet. Jesus is BOTH God and Man. We are Saint AND Sinner.
Why would the principle of “both/and” be any different as we live out the Kingdom of God in our everyday lives?
This brings me back to the question posed by our speaker. Can I be a nuanced person, living an integrated life, faithfully?
What does faithfulness look like when I spit shine every facet of the past, present, and future me? For my friend, faithfulness might look like saying yes to an opportunity. For me, it might look like saying no to something I know isn’t a good fit for me. For all of us, it looks like recognizing the invisible ways we build walls around our personas, our passions, our gifts, and ministries.
Arriving at the door of opportunity, bearing the full and glorious weight of ourselves, is living faithfully.
