A few weeks ago, I wrote about how I’d fallen into the habit of rehearsing my anxieties in prayer and in my journaling. I recognized the need to change those negative, well-worn thought patterns, and I’ve taken a few steps toward freedom in this area. Since then, I haven’t turned to my journal once, and I’ve written very little elsewhere. Rather than processing the same disappointments, the same frustrations, and the same issues, I gave myself space. With the loss of those thoughts and anxieties, it felt as if something essential to me had disappeared. The crutch I leaned on for support collapsed overnight.
As the days passed, I realized how those rehearsed disappointments occupied an enormous amount of space in my soul. They crowded out gratitude. They blindfolded goodness. They beat back creativity. They became the source of a constant, low grade hum of dissatisfaction with my life. As I stayed away from the page, I also upturned the tables selling their wares in the courtyard of my mind. Twisted fears and frustrations were the only options available for me to choose from as a daily sacrifice. They laid claim to the place where all good and lovely and beautiful things should roam free.
I wouldn’t say I’ve conquered this rehearsing–old thought patterns may appear to die, but in a moment of weakness often spring back to life–but I’m motivated by the freedom and space I now have to think on other things. With the rehearsing of these frustrations brought into captivity, there is freedom to notice. To see with eyes no longer blinded by a muted inward rage. To recognize light has come to redeem a dark place.
Instead, I am rehearsing gratitude. I am rehearsing freedom, and freedom is a siren call to the artist. The artist can’t resist the echo, the reverberating sound from across the sea calling creativity to come out to swim and bathe and play. I miss this generative, creative side of me. Of all the Kimberlys, she is the one I love and want to know best. I hope to swim in this sea for a while longer, seeing and fully seen, engaged in the life-giving work of creating.
If you find yourself caught in a similar pattern of rehearsing your anxieties, hurts, or disappointments, I don’t have a quick or permanent fix. This isn’t about mantras or self-help or willing ourselves to “think better”, but these few practices have helped me.
*If you are suffering from clinical depression or an anxiety disorder, seeing a counselor or doctor is your first step. These practices are for the negative thought patterns of the everyday variety.
Exercise Discernment:
Ask yourself what is necessary processing and what is unnecessary rehearsing? Do you recognize the difference?
Bring Your Thoughts into Captivity under Christ:
What thoughts do you need to make captive to Christ? What is exalting itself above the belief that you are loved, redeemed, and set free?
Develop New Thought Habits:
What space is left behind when you release your anxieties? What generative, creative, and life-giving thoughts will you allow to fill its place?
Pray New Prayers:
When you find your mind returning to the same unhealthy space (and it will), consider reciting these scriptures in prayer instead of rehearsing your go-to requests.
“We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ” ~2 Corinthians 10:5
“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” ~Philippians 4:8
